I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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