Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
