can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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