Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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