Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
