Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
