No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
