When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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