how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
