I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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