omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
