Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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