I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
