Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
