he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
