i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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