haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
