you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
