Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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