I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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