Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
