apparently the secret to your success is patron
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
