let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
