You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
