yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
