He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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