obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
