So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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