he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
