May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
