my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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