Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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