This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
