so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
