i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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