i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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