so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
