just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
