I'm jealous of your bromance
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
