The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
