I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
