I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
