Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
