I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
