you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
