Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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