Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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