Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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