Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my being single is dangerous.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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