I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I AM VODKA MAN
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
